Last night I was on the phone with my ex. Ironically, they offered support about dating. I know, I know, I recently called myself the Lesbian Catnip, so you’d think I didn’t need support around dating. NOT! Everyone needs support around dating! Dating is brutal!
Anyhow, I moaned about why people want me or supposedly want me and is it even real? And my ex said, “Lyralen, you’ve always been beautiful. Looks make a difference.” (Yes, I let them call me Lyralen sometimes. I LIKE the name Lyralen.) Then they said, “And now this androgynous thing, it’s super hot.”
I was like, “I’ve wanted to be androgynous my whole life! I thought I couldn’t be! I thought my face was too femme!” Then I thought for a minute. “Being embodied is also good, right? I mean, considering the alternative.”
Our conversation devolved into ridiculous silliness from there, as most of our conversations do and have in the almost 41 years we’ve known each other.
Queer Sex Terms Defined: Top, bottom, switch. Femme top. Butch bottom. Bossy bottom. Top-leaning switch. Vers. As with many things in the queer community, there’s a lot of discussion and differing interpretations. Here’s one!
I thought my face was too femme.
I started dating and being intimate with women in the 70’s, when I was 19 and presenting as a femme tomboy. My first girlfriend was a femme top. My second girlfriend was an athletic femme switch. My spouse, a stone butch top. I only dated a few other women, very short term. A couple tops and two bottoms, one of whom wanted me to be stone, which I deeply resented. (Ironically, with men I was always a full on vers—like a switch, but more creative.)
As I came out as non-binary and fae, still with my spouse, I began to fantasize about intimacy and roles in new ways. It confused me. How could I have enjoyed one role in my 20’s and now want to try others? Especially because of how angry I still was at this woman who wanted me to be a stone top who didn’t need to be touched? Could it be true that I’d never known myself sexually?